Life gets "real"

So here is the thing... I wish everyday I could tell you I spend all day resting and peacefully waiting for time to pass but I don't.  Yesterday was one of those days that seriously just sucked. It started with throwing up all over my boots in the car when we arrived at the hospital.  I blamed it on motion sickness. The car ride was yucky and took forever. We had my appointment which only confirmed what we had already assumed. I'll have chemo- 8 rounds- strong stuff- its referred to as ACT for those friends of mine that like to google stuff- you know who you are.... and I LOVE you :) I will go every 2 weeks. At first I was told no port would be needed but the second part of the chemo regimen is even yuckier than than the first part and if it gets anywhere outside of my vein its bad business so the port is a necessity. Believe me I begged and pleaded but in the end my port is scheduled for November 12th along with my first day of chemo. I think that was when reality hit.

Im going to be very honest here. My doctor suggested I go see a psychologist who specializes in oncology and truthfully I agree with her. My tears have been many lately. Falling for all sorts of reasons. Not always fear, sometimes because I am in disbelief this is happening, sometimes because I am pissed, sometimes because I miss my kids so much it breaks my heart, sometimes because I can not believe how loved I am, sometimes because Im 34 and the thought of dying shouldn't be on my mind but the thoughts are there and they are are real and raw. No mother should ever have to face those thoughts. Breast cancer sucks! No matter who gets it it sucks.

Today I shared my scars and a picture of my new "breasts" with a new" cancer friend"in NewYork over email. Her treatment is different than mine so her chemo is first. Anyway, I sent her a picture and I think it eased her mind about what was to come just like she has eased mine about chemo. I have learned a lot in the last 7 weeks. When you are diagnosed you suddenly feel lost and alone. I looked at others and yearned for their "normal" life but the truth is we all have challenges. Right now cancer is mine.  I have learned that women no matter age or place in life when they have had breast cancer or are fighting it now like I am are all so kind and willing to share and help. You instantly have this bond that is indescribable. No matter how hard family and friends may try to understand how I feel I know they just can't. Only someone who has walked my path can feel closely to how I feel and I am ok with that.  I appreciate those that try to understand but even in the most elegant words in the world I could never express truly my hurt for what this has done to my family.

I have meet a friend who surprisingly lives near me and our surgeries were a day apart. We have instantly bonded and we chat daily. I know she has helped me. She is a young Mom and Im pretty sure our friendship will continue beyond "our cancer".  We talk about stuff and know that the other one isn't going to feel uncomfortable. Im not afraid to be crabby about cancer with her and her the same way. We seem to be able to comfort one another and give each other peep talks when we each need one.
She is my "barbie twin" :)

I've learned that love is beyond what you say. My husband has proven that over and over. I know this isn't easy for him. He does things no husband should have to do. We joke about it but the truth is it does suck. He "strips my tubes", feeds me when I couldn't use my arms, bathes me because I can not shower  until my drains are all out, helps me brush my teeth, dresses me, basically he did everything for me that I couldn't do myself and then some. That is love. He sleeps next to me.  Ive been sleeping in a recliner since I got home. I miss our bed. I miss our crowded, too many kids and people in our bed :) Our crowded bed is perfection in my mind...a slice of heaven and I can't wait to be back in it.

I appreciate my best friends. Their texts are uplifting, their messages about plans for our future are inspiring and I am so fortunate to have them in my life. All the women in my life have been amazing. How do you thank an "aunt" who stops her life and comes and cares for your children so you can rest and expects nothing in return. How do you thank your own Mother who would do anything for you ..except knowing that as a mother yourself you would do the same.  How do you tell your sister thank you making your daughters Halloween costume because physically you just couldn't do it? How do you thank your teenage niece who gives up her Saturday night to come watch movies with her aunt?   You don't. I have learned that you just humbly accept their gestures and know it is how they show they care and that they love me.  That is the thing I am surrounded with love. People who need me as much as I need them.  They are my reason to give everything I have in me to fighting this horrible disease and beyond that that I will LIVE and THRIVE! You all deserve the best of me.


I have contemplated doing a post of my surgery progress. I know people are curious but beyond that I never know who might read this blog at some point and if I can help one person than it is worth it. At some point I will but not yet. If you are reading this though and facing the tough choice please reach out to me I am open to sharing.  It's really not that scary. Yes, different but not awful. I feared looking in the mirror and crumbling but I didn't. I honestly was like "oh ok".

On a happier note I ordered my wig! Its gorgeous! Honestly! Probably the prettiest hair Ill ever have in my life. Its real hair. I can curl it, color it anything I want to do to it I can. I only have one favor to ask you all.....If it ever looks like its a little crooked help a sister out and straighten me out :)

All my love and continue to remember all of us in your prayers...we need them all!
Jackie