Life gets "real"

So here is the thing... I wish everyday I could tell you I spend all day resting and peacefully waiting for time to pass but I don't.  Yesterday was one of those days that seriously just sucked. It started with throwing up all over my boots in the car when we arrived at the hospital.  I blamed it on motion sickness. The car ride was yucky and took forever. We had my appointment which only confirmed what we had already assumed. I'll have chemo- 8 rounds- strong stuff- its referred to as ACT for those friends of mine that like to google stuff- you know who you are.... and I LOVE you :) I will go every 2 weeks. At first I was told no port would be needed but the second part of the chemo regimen is even yuckier than than the first part and if it gets anywhere outside of my vein its bad business so the port is a necessity. Believe me I begged and pleaded but in the end my port is scheduled for November 12th along with my first day of chemo. I think that was when reality hit.

Im going to be very honest here. My doctor suggested I go see a psychologist who specializes in oncology and truthfully I agree with her. My tears have been many lately. Falling for all sorts of reasons. Not always fear, sometimes because I am in disbelief this is happening, sometimes because I am pissed, sometimes because I miss my kids so much it breaks my heart, sometimes because I can not believe how loved I am, sometimes because Im 34 and the thought of dying shouldn't be on my mind but the thoughts are there and they are are real and raw. No mother should ever have to face those thoughts. Breast cancer sucks! No matter who gets it it sucks.

Today I shared my scars and a picture of my new "breasts" with a new" cancer friend"in NewYork over email. Her treatment is different than mine so her chemo is first. Anyway, I sent her a picture and I think it eased her mind about what was to come just like she has eased mine about chemo. I have learned a lot in the last 7 weeks. When you are diagnosed you suddenly feel lost and alone. I looked at others and yearned for their "normal" life but the truth is we all have challenges. Right now cancer is mine.  I have learned that women no matter age or place in life when they have had breast cancer or are fighting it now like I am are all so kind and willing to share and help. You instantly have this bond that is indescribable. No matter how hard family and friends may try to understand how I feel I know they just can't. Only someone who has walked my path can feel closely to how I feel and I am ok with that.  I appreciate those that try to understand but even in the most elegant words in the world I could never express truly my hurt for what this has done to my family.

I have meet a friend who surprisingly lives near me and our surgeries were a day apart. We have instantly bonded and we chat daily. I know she has helped me. She is a young Mom and Im pretty sure our friendship will continue beyond "our cancer".  We talk about stuff and know that the other one isn't going to feel uncomfortable. Im not afraid to be crabby about cancer with her and her the same way. We seem to be able to comfort one another and give each other peep talks when we each need one.
She is my "barbie twin" :)

I've learned that love is beyond what you say. My husband has proven that over and over. I know this isn't easy for him. He does things no husband should have to do. We joke about it but the truth is it does suck. He "strips my tubes", feeds me when I couldn't use my arms, bathes me because I can not shower  until my drains are all out, helps me brush my teeth, dresses me, basically he did everything for me that I couldn't do myself and then some. That is love. He sleeps next to me.  Ive been sleeping in a recliner since I got home. I miss our bed. I miss our crowded, too many kids and people in our bed :) Our crowded bed is perfection in my mind...a slice of heaven and I can't wait to be back in it.

I appreciate my best friends. Their texts are uplifting, their messages about plans for our future are inspiring and I am so fortunate to have them in my life. All the women in my life have been amazing. How do you thank an "aunt" who stops her life and comes and cares for your children so you can rest and expects nothing in return. How do you thank your own Mother who would do anything for you ..except knowing that as a mother yourself you would do the same.  How do you tell your sister thank you making your daughters Halloween costume because physically you just couldn't do it? How do you thank your teenage niece who gives up her Saturday night to come watch movies with her aunt?   You don't. I have learned that you just humbly accept their gestures and know it is how they show they care and that they love me.  That is the thing I am surrounded with love. People who need me as much as I need them.  They are my reason to give everything I have in me to fighting this horrible disease and beyond that that I will LIVE and THRIVE! You all deserve the best of me.


I have contemplated doing a post of my surgery progress. I know people are curious but beyond that I never know who might read this blog at some point and if I can help one person than it is worth it. At some point I will but not yet. If you are reading this though and facing the tough choice please reach out to me I am open to sharing.  It's really not that scary. Yes, different but not awful. I feared looking in the mirror and crumbling but I didn't. I honestly was like "oh ok".

On a happier note I ordered my wig! Its gorgeous! Honestly! Probably the prettiest hair Ill ever have in my life. Its real hair. I can curl it, color it anything I want to do to it I can. I only have one favor to ask you all.....If it ever looks like its a little crooked help a sister out and straighten me out :)

All my love and continue to remember all of us in your prayers...we need them all!
Jackie

And then they were gone...

So after so much anticipation the surgery date finally arrived. No eating after midnight so I carb loaded the night before and watched the clock like crazy. At 11 pm I got up and snacked on that awesome cobbler I made the day before because that would for sure hold me over till I could eat again. That morning we got up and I decided against makeup while getting ready I had a feeling mascara wouldn't last long.  It was kind of weird getting dressed. I knew it was my last time wearing a bra. Last times are weird events.  I stood and looked in the mirror a little bit and  took it all in. I knew moving forward my body would never be the "same". When you have a gall bladder removed or something else maybe you go through the same thing I have no clue. All I know is how I felt and truthfully the last few seconds all I thought was "ok, its time for you to go".

The drive to the hospital was quiet. I get quiet when I'm nervous. I like the music loud and no ones mouths moving :) So I held Jeff's hand and my Mom sat in the back and would rub my shoulder as I stared out the window. Reality was quickly sinking in. I wiped tear after tear as they fell. I don't know why I cried so hard. Maybe fear, maybe anxiety, maybe hormones or maybe just because but regardless I did. Once we rounded the freeway my song came on the radio and I stopped crying. I just knew it would be ok. I stopped crying and got it together.

We parked and checked in. It went fast from there. They brought me back and quickly I realized this was going to go fast. The two nicest guys came in and injected me with a radioactive solution for my sentinel node biopsy. My Mom and Jeff came back and joined me and we joked and talked. We prayed together and I cried again. Man those damn tears just couldn't stop but I felt so much better after we prayed together.

The surgery team came  in talked a lot and I heard a lot of nothing except my "boobs" weren't there yet. That's why the surgery was slightly delayed. They were on a truck coming from Naperville and I don't know why but I found it funny. It could have been because right before that the nurse injected me with what could be considered the best thing in the entire world. I couldn't stop giggling. She told me she had more where that came from and again I just giggled.  They gave me a little more cause the truck still had not arrived and I was "sobering" up. Once the truck was there that was it. It was go time. I kissed and hugged my Mom and Jeff said  good bye and they literally wheeled me away.

We entered the surgery room. There were HUGE lights on the ceiling. The surgeon asked me if I was ready and I told her "absolutely, lets do this and don't forget to take my nipples". I moved over to the surgery table they laid my arms out to each side and the nicest Anesthesiologist came over. He was the cutest little older man I had ever seen and his smile was so kind. I asked him how long until I was asleep he said "soon".  Soon was an understatement. 6 hours later my surgery was complete. I remember waking up in a huge room and no one was around me. I saw this guy and was like " hey sir"  He's like " me"? I'm like " yes, you who else would I be talking to". Quickly another super cool dude with awesome dreadlocks was at my side. Apparently, I took awhile to wake up so my Mom and Jeff couldn't come back but within minutes my new buddy and I were rolling. I quickly informed him I had breast cancer and  had my breasts removed along with my nipples. For some reason it made me laugh and I think I had him nervously laughing too. As we excited the elevator to head to my room the hallway was super long and I could see my Mom, Jeff and my brother standing outside of my room waiting. Now imagine this.. its the first time they have seen me in over 8 hours and the first thing they hear me yelling, not saying, but yelling down the hallway is " guess who has no nipples?" " This girl right here". Cracking up and my dread lock buddy pushing my bed just giggling. I guess everyone responds different to anesthesia apparently I find myself hysterical. As they wheeled me into my room the nurses all started coming in checking on me and asking tons of questions. My Mom fed me an Italian ice and during that I started telling everyone who was coming in and out of the room that I would be having a dance party at midnight. I told everyone" to watch out because I would be twerking but having no nipples would slow me down".  My family just laughed and the nurses just laughed.

The next day my surgeon came in and said "well, I have heard from all of my staff we have never had a patient like you".  I accepted it only as a compliment :) So as we move forward we pray the cancer is gone but the next steps will be disclosed tomorrow. Chemo is on my planner for 2014 and early spring of 2015 but as my BF tells me " close your eyes, put your head down and plow through". Life will go on after cancer and when it does I swear I will be dancing and skipping everywhere just because I will be so happy to know I am alive. Below are a few verses of one of my favorite songs.....


‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

Out with the old ..

So with so much racing through my head I thought I would write about where we are at right now. My double mastectomy is scheduled for October the 14th. I decided that when I started writing this blog it would be a way for me to put it all out there instead of holding it inside and causing myself more anxiety. So here is the thing....Im going to be very honest with everything that I possibly can. Breast cancer is not as common as a cold which someone recently said to me..and by the way when is the last time your case of sniffles resulted in removal of your breasts? Just curious :)

Someone asked "which part makes you nervous"..um... the entire thing makes me nervous. The medication, the pain, the drains, the recovery..all of it. I honestly believe I will be fine but it is a long surgery. I am starting the reconstruction process at the same time so that adds double the amount of time to the entire process. They are also doing a sentinel node biopsy during surgery so that adds time. I am praying that the nodes are clear and we can move forward without removal of 7-10 additional nodes and all the possible complications that arise from that.

I am especially nervous for my husband, Jeff and my Mom. They will be pacing the waiting room while I am sleeping. Ugh! I can only imagine the nerves and bathroom breaks that will be taking place while they wait. I told Jeff my first question is going to be about my nodes. "Did they have to take additional"? That question is so important. It's another factor that goes into my final staging for my final pathology which in turns effects my final treatment. So if you pray besides everything else I have been asking you to pray for pray for clear nodes :)

I have only recently allowed myself to begin thinking and processing what will actually be taking place because up until a few days ago this whole thing felt like a really vivid nightmare. I still occasionally pinch myself and go " nope this shit is real..damn..." Anyhow, knowing that my breasts are going to be removed is serious business. My cancer is aggressive and so I have to be aggressive back. I was told lumpectomy could be an option but see here is the thing. I was told I am going to have a long life ahead of me and if I opt for a lumpectomy every year my risk for reoccurrence increases. So my doctor said take that risk and multiple it across how ever many years you want to live to ...the percentage number is big because I am young.

So I am at peace with my decision for those reasons but it is the raw reality of what is actually happening. I nursed my babies. I was beyond my breasts defining me and truthfully they never did. I think I am more processing the fact that everything inside those breasts are being removed. I know it sounds weird right because essentially it is what is inside the breasts that is causing me to remove them but you have to hear me out on this. Inside my body created food that allowed me to nourish my children and its not just the nourishment it was the bonding. So many of my favorite baby memories of them are when they would nurse and fall asleep and their sweet faces would fall back with a little milk dripping down and they would be "milk drunk". Or when in the middle of a crying fit a nursing session could calm them down to literally a sleeping baby.  So for me its not so much about the actual "breast" as much as the function of it. The thing is though I am constantly reminding myself that I am trading that for years of life. My nursing years are behind me but they are some of my sweetest memories. So now I will trade those breasts for "new" breasts. Non cancer containing breasts or as a new friend told me the other day " Barbie Boobs".   Get it ? Barbie has no nipples..... If I don't laugh I'll cry so go ahead ... giggle... its a little bit funny :)

So here is the thing...hearing you have breast cancer at 34 is super surreal but reading that you have breast cancer online because no one called you to share your results with you is even worse.  That is what happened to me. If you really want Ill back up to the beginning. I nursed all three of our beautiful babies and with each baby I always had changes in my breasts so truthfully I just assumed that the lump I felt after I was done nursing our beautiful daughter was just that, a weird leftover nursing lump. Well months passed and that lump was always in the back of my mind. It literally felt like a milk dud and it would move around as well. After too many months I finally decided to go see my doctor. I called and made the appointment. I remember standing in the driveway watching the kids on their bikes and as the words came out of my mouth I had this sick feeling that this wasn't just a "lump". I made the appointment and the next day I called back and talked to my doctor. I told him I couldn't wait and I needed to be seen earlier. I saw him that Saturday. After the exam he said he thought it was a fibroidenoma but he did not mess around with things in breasts and just to be safe I should go for an ultrasound and a mammogram.

I followed his orders and the next week went to my appointment. I could not stop crying. I knew my results before anyone told me. After the exams I was taken into a small conference room with the doctor and the nurse. They asked if I wanted them to get my husband. I said "no". Whatever this was I needed to process before  I could share the news with anyone else. They proceeded to tell me that the lump was questionable and they strongly suggested I proceed with a biopsy. Afterwards they brought Jeff in and kept reminded us that most breast issues are not cancer and because of my age and not a strong family history it was all precautionary. I knew it was BS. I took my order for the biopsy and left.

They said the wait was 2 weeks... are  they crazy?  You don't tell a women there is a questionable solid mass in her breast and then tell her to go about her regular life for 2 weeks. Apparently they have never been on the receiving end of that message. Your world is turned upside down and you become paralyzed. By the grace of God a friend was able to get me an appointment at a different hospital for the same week. The biopsy itself was simple the waiting was what was painful.
When we left the hospital I was given a brochure that said all test results would be available online. I held on to that brochure like it was gold. Days passed by but they felt like years. Finally the results came thru and Ill never forget reading those words " invasive metaplastic carcinoma with spindle cell".

Here is the thing though I was prepared. I just knew so instead of freaking out and crying I reached for the phone and immediately called the surgeon who had come highly recommended. Saying those words on the phone was surreal and truthfully it still is but Ill talk more about that later. Anyhow, I called my Mom and sister, texted my best friends and then paced the house. Jeff was quiet and allowed me to just be. I am blessed to have a husband who knows me well enough to give me space to process. Within minutes my best friend was at our house. Ill never forget the look on her face it was like we both didn't have to say a word. We sat in my daughters room and watched her dance. I think both to stunned to speak. I cried and in the background I could hear the phone ringing. I knew what the calls were...it was love and concern pouring in from our loved ones.

My sister stopped over and I knew what she was thinking " seriously, my little sister?" We hugged and cried a lot. My Mom came over and we did the same lots of crying lots of hugging. I continued to look around our house. Our beautiful kids did not deserve this, my husband didn't deserve this, my Mom, my poor Mom, she did not deserve this. I did not deserve this but the thing is I decided that this would not be my ending. I refuse to die from cancer. My family deserves better than that.