More ......

A year can change a lot, right?  Well, let me tell you that 4 months can also rock your world like crazy too! Here is what I know for sure:

1. God has a crazy beautiful plan mapped out for me and my family... Let me be very clear with this... I do not hold God responsible for my bc but I do hold him responsible for pulling my family and I closer as we navigate this crazy path and for putting many signs in front of us that let us know we were heading in the right direction .

2. I officially found out yesterday that I only had 2 tumors in my left breast and not 3 which was originally suspected...funny what we consider good news as we move forward right?

3. I have never ever felt more in love with my husband as I do now... when I look at him I see a man who loves me unconditionally....

4. I know God is using my kiddos to show me love and let me know that Jeff and I have been doing a great job as parents.... They truly are our prized possessions.  They are wise beyond their years and full of good.  I look at them and know that I will forever have a rainbow among the storm.

5. I seriously have the 2 best friends in the world... without a question hands down. Again, to know one is right down the street..literally the same block and  she and her husband would do anything anytime to help our family and the other although she lives in a different state has dropped her life to come help me is more than I could ever ask for.  

6. That my family (extended family) rocks. I know they aren't sure what to do to help but their love and prayers are awesome.

7. The people I that have come into my life via.. breast cancer, our kids sporting teams, preschool parents etc.. have shown me that random acts of kindness can change a situation and that so many people are good.

8. I have learned that children rock! I know that sounds strange but I was afraid my bald head would literally scare some but the truth is most kids don't notice and the ones that do think I look like a superhero...So that kind of rocks too!

9. My Mom is amazing!!! enough said

10. That this too shall pass and when it does Ill be standing tall smiling thanking everyone who rallied along with me... and I'll probably be rocking a bad ass pixie cut cause Ill be so busy enjoying life I refuse to waste time.

So, as 2014 comes to a close I won't lie I am a tiny bit anxious to see it come to a close but thats only because I want March 5th to get here.   I have embraced the saying " don't let the tail wag the dog"...I refuse to give this cancer more power than it deserves.  We are making plans, finishing house projects and still living our life because truthfully through all of this it has been made clear that life is beautiful.. inspite of its small mishaps and imperfections. My Dad once told me when I faced a disappoint I would never know how good it felt to reach the top of the mountain and see the view if I had never been in the deepest valley..well friends believe me when I tell you the view from the top will be glorious..that "glorious unfolding".  So as you make your changes for the new year... try to love more, do more good, laugh more....

One more quick thing...My friend told me the other day that she thinks I am glowing in my pictures... I teased that it was the chemo but truthfully I know what she is talking about... that glow she is mentioning is actually  all the love and happiness I feel right now.... from all of you ....
xoxoxo,
Jackie

No hair..don't care...

So I knew it would happen at some point but I wasn't expecting it to happen this soon. Today we went to church and I wore my wig. It was fine a little itchy but nothing that I couldn't handle. After church we decided to do some grocery shopping as a family.... which is always a fabulous time with 3 kids (insert sarcasm). Anyway, I decided to take off my wig in the car cause my head was a little irritated..the impending hair loss is looming and I needed to scratch my head. So I put on this cute turban thing for grocery shopping. In the store my head was still annoying me so I removed the turban and went about my shopping. My kids don't really care about the hair either way so it was all good. Anyhow, I  told the boys we could pick something sweet to make so we headed to the baking aisle.  As we were standing there arguing about which sprinkles to top our sugar cookies with this man and women walk past and I hear him say " nice haircut" I turned my head and he is looking over his shoulder right at me. I think to myself you can't be talking to me ..oh no he was and he said it like such an a**hole that the look on my face must have told him exactly what was going through my head. I turned back around ignoring him only he didn't get the point and he continues talking " what? do you have cancer or something?" OMG! Dude stop eff'ing talking is all I can think. I turned around and said "yes, breast cancer." The lady with him turns around and looks at me with the dumbest look I have ever seen on her face. It took everything I had in me to not whip the baking mix box at both of them but I didn't. Instead I turned around and just stared at the shelf. The boys were still fighting about red, blue or yellow sprinkles..totally not noticing the two idiots that caused their Mom to stand there frozen in disbelief that that moment just happened....one moment that I will never forget.

 Here is the thing though I could have said a lot of other stuff and I wish I had but it wouldn't have been anything nice and truthfully those two don't deserve the emotional energy I would have exerted expressing myself towards them. What he  did realize was that  yes, I have cancer....but he doesn't know that cancer doesn't have me and I am fighting with everything I have to beat this and live my life not just survive but thrive after all this is done. I will never be the same, I am better than the old me. I used to think I was empathetic but now I know I truly am.  Also, your opinion of my "haircut" didn't bother me but your brazen careless words in front of my boys ravaged me with such a fierce anger but then I realized you sir will always be a moron. Im sure your days are filled with careless comments and you have no filter for your brain but its ok I am ok. Your words were just that words...thoughtless words. I sir am a fighter and women who is facing a terrible disease head on and proving to herself, her children and her loved ones that you are capable of digging deep ...super deep and finding parts of yourself that you didn't know existed when you are forced to. I will come out of this storm better than I entered...actually my entire family will.  So yes, I have no hair but you know what either does my husband and my two favorite little men because yes sir, I have cancer and cancer  blows..big time... but  what you do not know is how loved and lucky I am.  So instead of whipping the box of cookie mix at you I said a small prayer for you on my way home...Im not going to lie...my teeth were slightly gritted at the time but I did it because you are the least of my worries and although I was shocked by your words I wasn't hurt... far from it. So anyways back to more important things we decided on blue and yellow sprinkles..... and least no one has to worry about hair in the baking mix this year ........