So this morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and the first thing I looked at was my hair...my crazy bed head hair. I decided before I started chemo that I would be in charge of when my hair left my head. It truly is one of the few things I have been allowed to be the final decision maker in. I looked at the calendar and decided that on 11/30 I would remove this hair from from my head. The thought of waking up to hair on my pillow, or watching it fall out in the shower or wearing hats to hide patches of hair that had fallen out was way too much for me. I truly realize that I could get about another week with my hair but the truth is the back of my head is already itchy and slightly tingly....all signs that the inevitable hair loss is looming in my near future. You know whats crazy? When we went to our "chemo class" they hand you a binder ( which I have every intent of burning this spring) but it lists some pretty serious side effects and possible long term complications from chemo. As my nurse handed me a stack of prescriptions all I could think was "holy moly, I've never taken this many drugs in my life" but then came the one script that she said was the worst....the "cranial hair prothesis" lets just call it what it is a "wig". My insurance doesn't cover it anyway so the fancy names don't matter to me anyway. When she handed the wig prescription to me I thought "seriously, if losing my hair is the worst thing that could happen to me thru all of this bring it on". So now weeks later I sit here and I know that tomorrow surrounded by my family and my dearest friends I will shave my head in an attempt to have a little control over this its a little weird but truthfully I do not view it as the worst thing that could happen to me through all of this. Maybe its cause I have never been in love with my hair. Those that know me well know my favorite haircut ever is from my girl in Las Vegas and I have every intent of growing my hair back out and taking a trip to let her work her magic once I have some hair again but again to say its the worst thing doesn't exactly cut it for me. The worst thing ever was actually finding out and that I have breast cancer..that totally sucked.
Speaking of accepting the fact that I have/had cancer is something I'm pretty sure I have wrapped my head around. It took awhile and a lot of tears but I can honestly say I am there and truthfully it feels better to be accepting of the fact that its something that I am going thru as opposed to something that destroys me. The emotional aspect did a serious doozy on me but looking back I am so glad I went thru it. I allowed myself to feel every one of those emotions....scared, pissed, sad, freaked out, disbelief etc... and some times I probably wallowed in those places for longer than what is considered a good amount of time but I just couldn't pull myself up and truthfully no one can do it for you. I'm not exactly sure what changed maybe it was healing from the surgery and praying for peace and comfort to deal with all of this but something did change mentally for me.
Two weeks ago one of my best friends came to visit me from Colorado. When she walked in the door and I saw her I just couldn't let go of hugging her. What's crazy is she was here the day I had my biopsy and watched my kids. She knows me so well that she told me later that she knew I knew it was cancer from the look on my face when I walked back in the house .... crazy how our intuition kicks in. Anyway, she came to visit and go to some doctor appointments with me. It was so nice to have her here and the day she left was so hard. I have never told her that but I couldn't look out the window to wave goodbye....because between all the tears we also laughed and joked around about the crazy things we did when we were younger and she helped bring me back to a place or normalcy. She asked me one day when we were out for lunch if " cancer has taught me anything?" I honestly can not remember what I told her but I have been thinking about her question for awhile. I do know that I have realized with no amount of uncertainty how much I love my husband, my kids, my family and my dearest friends. I have learned who loves me as much as I love them and I know that I am not standing alone in this.
Oh, on a side note I survived my first round of chemo. I was surprisingly calm and the entire infusion was pretty uneventful. My nurse was awesome, I got a private room ( only for first timers), I chewed on ice the entire time in hopes of preventing mouth sores ( so far so good ), and I walked around a little bit to stretch my legs and pass the time while my second medicine dripped in. I did get car sick on the way home and ended up with a banging headache but I think it was from the anesthesia that I had earlier that day for my port placement. I slept the bulk of the night on Monday and got a little sick but when Tuesday rolled around I was down for the count. I seriously slept the day away minus having to get up to give myself a shot that helps stimulate the production of white blood cells. I was pretty happy I slept the day away it made time pass and I didn't have to sit there thinking about how awful I felt. It was seriously like a terrible hangover mixed with pregnancy exhaustion. I explained it to my mom that way except that I didn't have any funny stories to laugh about in the morning and eating a hamburger to cure it was the last thing from my mind. Regardless, I am thanking God that this chemo treatment was relatively uneventful and I only have 7 more left. March 5th will be before I know it and Ill be celebrating my 35th birthday :) maybe in Maui. My Mom was supposed to be in Hawaii around the time I had my mastectomy but her and my Aunt cancelled their travel plans to be here to help us so now WE are talking about taking a trip there once this is all over. I can only imagine digging my feet in the sand and smelling the fresh ocean breeze is just what the doctor ordered to start a new chapter in life which I refer to as AC ( after cancer).
So tonight I brushed my hair one last time and looked in the mirror knowing that tomorrow will be a defining moment for me as I cross things off my cancer to do list. Knowing that my family and dear friends will be there with me as emotional support and a reminder that someday soon this will be behind me is so comforting. I would be lying if I told you I haven't thought much about having a bald head because I have. Its kind of like wearing a huge neon sign that screams " I have cancer" but it is the truth for right now but this will not always be the case. I worry about how my kids will react... I can only imagine it's awfully confusing for them. I have tried my best to explain things to them and I truly think they get it as much as they can for their age. Hudson told me he thinks I am beautiful with or without hair and Gavin giggles when I told him that he and Hudson get to shave my head. Here is the thing I look at our children and I know that what is happening now will be something that they may not even remember and if they do it will play in their memories like a broken slide show allowing Jeff and I to fill in the missing chapters so in a way we get to write this story for them. If I can pick what they take with them growing up from this is that:
1. They are so loved
2. When you face something that scares the crap out of you sometimes its ok to close your eyes and just charge through....
3. Mom was scared out of her mind but her belief in God was a solid foundation to fight fear and push towards faith
4. Mom and Dad meant their vows...better or for worse, in sickness and in health... Marry the person who you love unconditionally ... you never know who will go bald first :)
xoxo,
Jackie
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