Yesterday was hard. I cried ... a lot. When I was first diagnosed I received an email from a young lady who used to work with my Mother in law. She was also fighting breast cancer.. for a second time. Her type of cancer was extremely aggressive and so was her will to fight. We shared many emails over the last several months about cancer, kids, family and faith. She was a beautiful women inside and out. She received her wings and is at home with our Father as of Saturday morning. She leaves behind two children and a husband. Even though my encounters with her were only through email I was heart broken to hear about her passing. It is unfair and so devastating what this disease can do to families that are left behind. I thought about her the majority of the day. I sat and read our emails. Laughing at the things that we joked about and crying over some of the conversations when I expressed my earlier fears to a stranger and she would encourage me to have faith. I will forever cherish those words she shared with me.
As yesterday progressed I ran some errands and headed to the store to pick up another juicer ... a girl can never have too many juicers. In all seriousness though I wanted another one for a different reason and as I was driving I was praying to God to just let me know he hears me...I was feeling alone and sad. Sometimes this entire situation still seems surreal to me but anyway I prayed and prayed. I kept thinking just let someone smile at me. I just wanted a genuine kind smile but it didn't happen. Truth be told while I was going down the escalator this other lady was going up and I kept thinking please just look at me just smile... no such luck in fact she did that weird I don't see you lack of eye contact thing that people do in an elevator. I took a deep breath and just kept praying for God to show me a sign yesterday. I just felt like I needed to receive a hug from him.
Anyway, after the store I stopped at the grocery store. I was almost finished when I realized I forgot tomatoes. I headed back to the tomato aisle and was standing there looking for what I needed when I heard a man say to me " excuse" and all I could think was " oh no, not again! not another hair comment while I am at the Jewel...I will lose my shit today if this happens again" but it didn't.
He proceeded " I don't mean to sound so forward but may I ask you if you are in treatment for cancer?" I told him "yes, I am currently in chemo for breast cancer but I am almost done."
He then lifted his head to show me his scars. He told me I wouldn't recognize him if I saw a picture of him from last year. His eyes filled with tears as he told a little more about his journey. I couldn't help it I cried with him and I gave him a huge hug. He repeatedly told me to stay strong as he wiped tears from his face. I helped him find what he was looking for from his shopping list and told him he was what I needed right then. That God sent him to me. We said good bye and wished each other well. He went about his shopping and I stood in the aisle and cried a little more. I don't believe in things being coincidental I do believe that God hears us and delivers his comfort and messages at times when we least expect it. That mans tears also made me realize that all those tears I shed that day were normal. There are so many emotions you face when cancer comes into your life. Sometimes I feel alone because I carry so much with me. I know someone not living this can only handle hearing about it so much and so I chose to share a little bit with those closest to me and process the rest in prayer but seeing him cry affirmed that this journey rocks your soul and changes you forever.
That man in the Jewel will never truly know what he did for me yesterday. He gave me hope and he confirmed for me yet again that my prayers are heard and answered when the time is right. Friends don't forget to pray .. He always hears you.
xoxo,
Jackie
