Here we are...

It's been awhile... I just haven't felt like writing even though I know I should so that I could catch everyone up on where I am and how everything went. Well..I did it! Chemo is finished. March 5th was my last infusion and I finished up feeling strong. 6 months ago when it all started March 5th seemed like an eternity but the truth is it came fast. The first 2 months were hell. The AC was awful but I managed like any other person would do... you have no choice so you suck it up :) After the initial drug reaction and I was switched, my second set of chemo for the last 8 weeks wasn't terrible. I was exhausted but again you push through because you have to. Actually the day after my last chemo I went to the mother son dodgeball at Gavins school. It was such a blast except I almost got pelted in my port with a ball. At that point I decided to step to the sidelines.

We are working on settling back into "life after cancer" and I can see how it takes awhile to adjust. I am loving being home and getting back to being a Mom instead of racing from appointment to appointment. The other night the kids were sick and poor Jeff was exhausted from traveling so I was up with the kiddos and covered in urine, boogers and crying babies and all I could think was " thank you God for giving me more time to do this stuff, to wipe snot and check temperatures to be a Mom".

So here is where I am at medically. I will start a new medication on April 1st. Its called Tamoxifen. I will take that pill for the next 10 years. It has its own risks, like any medication, but it also decreases my risk for a recurrence. I am going into it with an open mind and a positive attitude.. it has seemed to serve me well through this detour so I might as well keep it going. I will also have my tissue expanders taken out on April 30th and my implants placed. Depending on what my surgeon thinks I may also have fat grafting done during the same surgery and no I do not need any donors... I have plenty myself :)  They say this surgery isn't near what the double mastectomy was so I am praying thats the truth. My only request was that I can be swimming with the kiddos sometime in June and my plastic surgeon said " yes" by mid June I should be floating  :)Sometime in 2016 I will also have my port removed. Per my drs order its best to keep it for 2 years... just in case... anyway, after that is removed I plan on having the finishing touches to my foobs... nipple tattoos. There is a guy in Maryland who is awesome and books out a minimum of 6 months in advance. I would love to have them done on my diagnosis date ... it would feel right to close this detour with the finishing touches.

So, as timing would have it my 35th birthday is this Sunday. Craziness? I remember celebrating my 21st like it was yesterday. Jeff planned a super sweet celebration. I really just want to focus on turning 35 and allow the cancer thing to sit in the background. Turning 35 is huge and celebrating will be fabulous. I have to say the other day someone posted about 34 being the best year and I quickly disagreed... selfishly though... and the more I thought about it I had to admit 34 was the year of learning so I can not say it was the worst year. It was definitely the most trying..physically and emotionally. I learned so much. I have gained an appreciation for my body that I never knew before.  I learned that the vows that Jeff and I made to each other almost 8 years ago were more than words. I saw his love in action.I learned that the love a Mother has for her child is deep and can be painful. I learned more  about friendship then ever. Friends don't bail when things are rough they come running.  There were so many people who helped us and friends far and near that would remember my chemo days and send me a text just to check in, say hello and let me know that they were thinking and praying for me. I can not begin to say thank you for taking a small minute to reach out...it truly brightened my day. I had super close friends who would answer their phones during a rough patch I would be having and just tell me it would be "ok". You don't realize the importance of that until you are on the other side. Or having a friend sit at my kitchen table and just let me bitch about things and cry a little about how this whole entire situation sucked...and not try to make it better but just listen...thank you. Thank you for welcoming my kids into your home on days when I was so tired I just couldn't keep it together. Thank you for dropping off food on nights when your own work schedule barely left time for your own family but you took the time to also think about mine.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

So as we move forward I am excited to say we are making plans...camping is booked, beach vacation booked, summer concerts are booked and I am heading to a photography conference in April. I am so excited to get back behind the camera. I am not sure what I want to do anymore exactly with it but I know I mentally need it. I am brainstorming a breast cancer project and would love to work on it more next Fall when all 3 of my kiddos are in school.  We will see what happens with all of it but its exciting and scary at the same. As one of my favorite songs says:


We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding


So we live, love and laugh .... and believe and give thanks!



So anyways... enough about me... let's get the party started!
PS.. my hair is growing back and its blonde....

I know He hears me

Yesterday was hard. I cried ... a lot. When I was first diagnosed I received an email from a young lady who used to work with my Mother in law. She was also fighting breast cancer.. for a second time. Her type of cancer was extremely aggressive and so was her will to fight. We shared many emails over the last several months about cancer, kids, family and faith. She was a beautiful women inside and out. She received her wings and is at home with our Father as of Saturday morning. She leaves behind two children and a husband. Even though my encounters with her were only through email I was heart broken to hear about her passing. It is unfair and so devastating what this disease can do to families that are left behind.  I thought about her the majority of the day. I sat and read our emails. Laughing at the things that we joked about and crying over some of the conversations when I expressed my earlier fears to a stranger and she would encourage me to have faith. I will forever cherish those words she shared with me.

As yesterday progressed I ran some errands and headed to the store to pick up another juicer ... a girl can never have too many juicers. In all seriousness though I wanted another one for a different reason and as I was driving I was praying to God to just let me know he hears me...I was feeling alone and sad. Sometimes this entire situation still seems surreal to me but anyway I prayed and prayed. I kept thinking just let someone smile at me. I just wanted a genuine kind smile but it didn't happen. Truth be told while I was going down the escalator this other lady was going up and I kept thinking please just look at me just smile... no such luck in fact she did that weird I don't see you lack of eye contact thing that people do in an elevator. I took a deep breath and just kept praying for God to show me a sign yesterday. I just felt like I needed to receive a hug from him.

Anyway, after the store I stopped at the grocery store. I was almost finished when I realized I forgot tomatoes. I headed back to the tomato aisle and was standing there looking for what I needed when I heard a man say to me " excuse" and all I could think was " oh no, not again! not another hair comment while I am at the Jewel...I will lose my shit today if this happens again" but it didn't.
He proceeded " I don't mean to sound so forward but may I ask you if you are in treatment for cancer?" I told him "yes, I am currently in chemo for breast cancer but I am almost done."
He then  lifted his head to show me his scars. He told me I wouldn't recognize him if I saw a picture of him from last year. His eyes filled with tears as he told a little more about his journey. I couldn't help it I cried with him and I gave him a huge hug. He repeatedly told me to stay strong as he wiped tears from his face. I helped him find what he was looking for from his shopping list and told him he was what I needed right then. That God sent him to me. We said good bye and wished each other well. He went about his shopping and I stood in the aisle and cried a little more. I don't believe in things being coincidental I do believe that God hears us and delivers his comfort and messages at times when we least expect it. That mans tears also made me realize that all those tears I shed that day were normal. There are so many emotions you face when cancer comes into your life. Sometimes I feel alone because I carry so much with me. I know someone not living this can only handle hearing about it so much and so I chose to share a little bit with those closest to me and process the rest in prayer but seeing him cry affirmed that this journey rocks your soul and changes you forever.

That man in the Jewel will never truly know what he did for me yesterday. He gave me hope and he confirmed for me yet again that my prayers are heard and answered when the time is right.  Friends don't forget to pray .. He always hears you.

xoxo,
Jackie

Faith, Hope and Love

So things have been so quiet lately that there was nothing exciting to write about... I was just enjoying feeling good after my last chemo treatment and busy being in Mom mode. I also started getting all my photography stuff back in order and setting up my "studio space" aka : cleaning the basement. It honestly feels so good to do normal things: taking care of my babies, driving them to school, cooking dinner for my family, working out and just doing what I know other people view as daily mundane tasks ... all those things feel so good to me but like all good things they come to an end ..except my life has been running on two week increments. I explained it to Jeff as like knowing you are going to have the flu every two weeks and be down and out for 5 days. It gets so taxing both physically but even more so emotionally. I am considering myself fortunate though that from what my medical team tells me the worst of the medicine is now behind me.

This past Thursday I started a new medicine, Taxol. It was supposed to be the easier of the three medicines and by easier I mean no nausea. See here is the thing most people do not realize with chemo its not just losing your hair. Personally that has been the easy part for me. Its waking up one morning and noticing that your finger nails are turning black, and that the sore you thought was a canker sore is actually a mouth sore, the ache in your shin is actually from the shot that you inject yourself with to raise your white blood cell count so you don't end up with an infection and in the hospital. I don't write this stuff to get your pity but  to open peoples eyes to how serious this chemo business is. 

Anyhow, so at chemo this week I went thru the normal pre infusion blood work and physical exam all of which were normal. Jeff and I got settled in our chairs and chatting with my chemo lady friends. When my nurse came over to start my infusion after my dose of benadryl to help ward off any allergic reaction she warned me to let her know immediately of any breathing issues or pain in my back.  She started the drip and it goes so slowly that I sat back and kept talking to my friend next to me. As we were talking I felt myself take a weird breath..it felt like a triple breath..like I was slightly gasping. My friend next to me asked if I was "ok" I said I wasn't sure and she reminded me to tell my nurse. I said I wanted to wait a few minutes but before I could finish that sentence I asked Jeff to go across the room to get my nurse. As he walked across the room my kidneys began to feel as if they were twisting and cramping. I called across the room to Jeff to hurry up and get her. Within seconds every nurse in the room was at my chair, pulling the privacy curtain closed, pulling my drip cords off of me and before I knew it my medical oncologist was at my chair along with her nurse checking my blood pressure and monitoring my heart rate. The pain was intense and I was gripping the chair so hard..it reminded me of back labor pains. They called for morphine from the pharmacy and brought heating pads to my back. Within 10 minutes the pain had subsided and everything had calmed down. Once things were calm my doctor called off the morphine. I was then told that I would be eligible for my doctor considers a better less toxic chemo medicine called Abraxane. Here is what is crazy the only way to qualify for a better less toxic chemo is to suffer from some sort of reaction, a reaction that could have been fatal. I am thanking God for being by my side yesterday. Before I left for chemo yesterday I grabbed my Dads dog tags and threw them in my pocket ..every once in awhile when I feel like I need a little extra courage I'll take them with me. Anyway, as my doctor was walking away she mentioned having reactions to certain things and I couldn't help but tell her about my allergic reaction to anything less than 3 karats in my ears :)

So guys I am finally coming to see light at the end of this long tunnel.  March 5th will be a fabulous day.  I have three treatments left and I can not wait to hear that final drip beep and have my family there with me as I walk out of that hospital knowing and praying that for the next 5 years every time I walk back into that building it is only for a healthy check up. I have learned so much about myself, my family, friends and love because of all of this. This week my mailbox was flooded with thoughtful gifts and my weekly card from my dear friend who was also my awesome roommate when I lived in Georgia. I also received a beautiful anchor necklace from another new friend and survivor as a reminder that God is my anchor through this journey. I received an awesome t-shirt from a childhood friend that I will be proudly wearing soon. I also received a package from a friend of my husbands from growing up that had 3 awesome wigs, a heated blanket,  and an awesome shirt that I plan on wearing to one of my final chemos in honor of her beautiful Mom. All of these thoughtful gestures always leave me speechless and renew my strength in this battle that can be so wearing. So to all of you  "thank you" thank you for loving me and praying for me. 

xoxo,
Jackie

More ......

A year can change a lot, right?  Well, let me tell you that 4 months can also rock your world like crazy too! Here is what I know for sure:

1. God has a crazy beautiful plan mapped out for me and my family... Let me be very clear with this... I do not hold God responsible for my bc but I do hold him responsible for pulling my family and I closer as we navigate this crazy path and for putting many signs in front of us that let us know we were heading in the right direction .

2. I officially found out yesterday that I only had 2 tumors in my left breast and not 3 which was originally suspected...funny what we consider good news as we move forward right?

3. I have never ever felt more in love with my husband as I do now... when I look at him I see a man who loves me unconditionally....

4. I know God is using my kiddos to show me love and let me know that Jeff and I have been doing a great job as parents.... They truly are our prized possessions.  They are wise beyond their years and full of good.  I look at them and know that I will forever have a rainbow among the storm.

5. I seriously have the 2 best friends in the world... without a question hands down. Again, to know one is right down the street..literally the same block and  she and her husband would do anything anytime to help our family and the other although she lives in a different state has dropped her life to come help me is more than I could ever ask for.  

6. That my family (extended family) rocks. I know they aren't sure what to do to help but their love and prayers are awesome.

7. The people I that have come into my life via.. breast cancer, our kids sporting teams, preschool parents etc.. have shown me that random acts of kindness can change a situation and that so many people are good.

8. I have learned that children rock! I know that sounds strange but I was afraid my bald head would literally scare some but the truth is most kids don't notice and the ones that do think I look like a superhero...So that kind of rocks too!

9. My Mom is amazing!!! enough said

10. That this too shall pass and when it does Ill be standing tall smiling thanking everyone who rallied along with me... and I'll probably be rocking a bad ass pixie cut cause Ill be so busy enjoying life I refuse to waste time.

So, as 2014 comes to a close I won't lie I am a tiny bit anxious to see it come to a close but thats only because I want March 5th to get here.   I have embraced the saying " don't let the tail wag the dog"...I refuse to give this cancer more power than it deserves.  We are making plans, finishing house projects and still living our life because truthfully through all of this it has been made clear that life is beautiful.. inspite of its small mishaps and imperfections. My Dad once told me when I faced a disappoint I would never know how good it felt to reach the top of the mountain and see the view if I had never been in the deepest valley..well friends believe me when I tell you the view from the top will be glorious..that "glorious unfolding".  So as you make your changes for the new year... try to love more, do more good, laugh more....

One more quick thing...My friend told me the other day that she thinks I am glowing in my pictures... I teased that it was the chemo but truthfully I know what she is talking about... that glow she is mentioning is actually  all the love and happiness I feel right now.... from all of you ....
xoxoxo,
Jackie

No hair..don't care...

So I knew it would happen at some point but I wasn't expecting it to happen this soon. Today we went to church and I wore my wig. It was fine a little itchy but nothing that I couldn't handle. After church we decided to do some grocery shopping as a family.... which is always a fabulous time with 3 kids (insert sarcasm). Anyway, I decided to take off my wig in the car cause my head was a little irritated..the impending hair loss is looming and I needed to scratch my head. So I put on this cute turban thing for grocery shopping. In the store my head was still annoying me so I removed the turban and went about my shopping. My kids don't really care about the hair either way so it was all good. Anyhow, I  told the boys we could pick something sweet to make so we headed to the baking aisle.  As we were standing there arguing about which sprinkles to top our sugar cookies with this man and women walk past and I hear him say " nice haircut" I turned my head and he is looking over his shoulder right at me. I think to myself you can't be talking to me ..oh no he was and he said it like such an a**hole that the look on my face must have told him exactly what was going through my head. I turned back around ignoring him only he didn't get the point and he continues talking " what? do you have cancer or something?" OMG! Dude stop eff'ing talking is all I can think. I turned around and said "yes, breast cancer." The lady with him turns around and looks at me with the dumbest look I have ever seen on her face. It took everything I had in me to not whip the baking mix box at both of them but I didn't. Instead I turned around and just stared at the shelf. The boys were still fighting about red, blue or yellow sprinkles..totally not noticing the two idiots that caused their Mom to stand there frozen in disbelief that that moment just happened....one moment that I will never forget.

 Here is the thing though I could have said a lot of other stuff and I wish I had but it wouldn't have been anything nice and truthfully those two don't deserve the emotional energy I would have exerted expressing myself towards them. What he  did realize was that  yes, I have cancer....but he doesn't know that cancer doesn't have me and I am fighting with everything I have to beat this and live my life not just survive but thrive after all this is done. I will never be the same, I am better than the old me. I used to think I was empathetic but now I know I truly am.  Also, your opinion of my "haircut" didn't bother me but your brazen careless words in front of my boys ravaged me with such a fierce anger but then I realized you sir will always be a moron. Im sure your days are filled with careless comments and you have no filter for your brain but its ok I am ok. Your words were just that words...thoughtless words. I sir am a fighter and women who is facing a terrible disease head on and proving to herself, her children and her loved ones that you are capable of digging deep ...super deep and finding parts of yourself that you didn't know existed when you are forced to. I will come out of this storm better than I entered...actually my entire family will.  So yes, I have no hair but you know what either does my husband and my two favorite little men because yes sir, I have cancer and cancer  blows..big time... but  what you do not know is how loved and lucky I am.  So instead of whipping the box of cookie mix at you I said a small prayer for you on my way home...Im not going to lie...my teeth were slightly gritted at the time but I did it because you are the least of my worries and although I was shocked by your words I wasn't hurt... far from it. So anyways back to more important things we decided on blue and yellow sprinkles..... and least no one has to worry about hair in the baking mix this year ........

Crossing things off the to do list

So this morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and the first thing I looked at was my hair...my crazy bed head hair. I decided before I started chemo that I would be in charge of when my hair left my head. It truly is one of the few things I have been allowed to be the final decision maker in. I looked at the calendar and decided that on 11/30 I would remove this hair from from my head. The thought of waking up to hair on my pillow, or watching it fall out in the shower or wearing hats to hide patches of hair that had fallen out was way too much for me. I truly realize that I could get about another week with my hair but the truth is the back of my head is already itchy and slightly tingly....all signs that the inevitable hair loss is looming in my near future. You know whats crazy? When we went to our "chemo class" they hand you a binder ( which I have every intent of burning this spring) but it lists some pretty serious side effects and possible long term complications from chemo.  As my nurse handed me a stack of prescriptions all I could think was "holy moly, I've never taken this many drugs in my life" but then came the one script that she said was the worst....the "cranial hair prothesis" lets just call it what it is a "wig". My insurance doesn't cover it anyway so the fancy names don't matter to me anyway. When she handed the wig prescription to me I thought "seriously, if losing my hair is the worst thing that could happen to me thru all of this bring it on". So now weeks later I sit here and I know that tomorrow surrounded by my family and my dearest friends I will shave my head in an attempt to have a little control over this its  a little weird but truthfully I do not view it as the worst thing that could happen to me through all of this. Maybe its cause I have never been in love with my hair. Those that know me well know my favorite haircut ever is from my girl in Las Vegas and I have every intent of growing my hair back out and taking a trip to let her work her magic once I have some hair again but again to say its the worst thing doesn't exactly cut it for me.  The worst thing ever was actually finding out and that I have breast cancer..that totally sucked.

Speaking of accepting the fact that I have/had cancer is something I'm pretty sure I have wrapped my head around. It took awhile and a lot of tears but I can honestly say I am there and truthfully it feels better to be accepting of the fact that its something that I am going thru as opposed to something that destroys me.  The emotional aspect did a serious doozy on me but looking back I am so glad I went thru it. I allowed myself to feel every one of those emotions....scared, pissed, sad, freaked out, disbelief etc... and some times I probably wallowed in those places for longer than what is considered a good amount of time but I just couldn't pull myself up and truthfully no one can do  it for you. I'm not exactly sure what changed maybe it was healing from the surgery and praying for peace and comfort to deal with all of this but something did change mentally for me.

Two weeks ago one of  my best friends  came to visit me from Colorado. When she walked in the door and I saw her I just couldn't let go of hugging her. What's crazy is she was here the day I had my biopsy and watched my kids. She knows me so well that she told me later that she knew I knew it was cancer from the look on my face when I walked back in the house .... crazy how our intuition kicks in. Anyway, she came to visit and go to some doctor appointments with me. It was so nice to have her here and the day she left was so hard. I have never told her that but I couldn't look out the window to wave goodbye....because between all the tears we also laughed and joked around about the crazy things we did when we were younger and she helped bring me back to a place or normalcy. She asked me one day when we were out for lunch if " cancer has taught me anything?" I honestly can not remember what I told her but I have been thinking about her question for awhile. I do know that I have realized with no amount of uncertainty how much I love my husband, my kids, my family and my dearest friends. I have learned who loves me as much as I love them and I know that I am not standing alone in this.  

Oh, on a side note I survived my first round of chemo. I was surprisingly calm and the entire infusion was pretty uneventful. My nurse was awesome, I got a private room ( only for first timers), I chewed on ice the entire time in hopes of preventing mouth sores ( so far so good ), and I walked around a little bit to stretch my legs and pass the time while my second medicine dripped in. I did get car sick on the way home and ended up with a banging headache but I think it was from the anesthesia that I had earlier that day for my port placement. I slept the bulk of the night on Monday and got a little sick but when Tuesday rolled around I was down for the count. I seriously slept the day away minus having to get up to give myself a shot that helps stimulate the production of white blood cells.  I was pretty happy I slept the day away it made time pass and I didn't have to sit there thinking about how awful I felt. It was seriously like a terrible hangover mixed with pregnancy exhaustion. I explained it to  my mom that way except that I didn't have any funny stories to laugh about in the morning and eating a hamburger to cure it was the last thing from my mind. Regardless, I am thanking God  that this chemo treatment was relatively uneventful and I only have 7 more left. March 5th will be before I know it and Ill be celebrating my 35th birthday :) maybe in Maui. My Mom was supposed to be in Hawaii around the time I had my mastectomy but her and my Aunt cancelled their travel plans to be here to help us so now WE are talking about taking a trip there once this is all over.  I can only imagine digging my feet in the sand and smelling the fresh ocean breeze is just what the doctor ordered to start a new chapter in life which I refer to as AC ( after cancer).

So tonight I brushed my hair one last time and looked in the mirror knowing that tomorrow will be a defining moment for me as I cross things off my cancer to do list.   Knowing that my family and dear friends will be there with me as emotional support and a reminder that someday soon this will be behind me is so comforting. I would be lying if I told you  I haven't thought much about having a bald head because I have. Its kind of like wearing a huge neon sign that screams " I have cancer" but it is the truth for right now but this will not always be the case. I worry about how my kids will react... I can only imagine it's awfully confusing for them. I have tried my best to explain things to them and I truly think they get it as much as they can for their age. Hudson told me he thinks I am beautiful with or without hair and Gavin giggles when I told him that he and Hudson get to shave my head.  Here is the thing I look at our children and I know that what is happening now will be something that they may not even remember and if they do it will play in their memories like a broken slide show allowing Jeff and I to fill in the missing chapters so in a way we get to write this story for them.   If I can pick what they take with them growing up from this is that:
1. They are so loved
2. When you face something that scares the crap out of you sometimes its ok to close your eyes and just charge through....
3. Mom was scared out of her mind but her belief in God was a solid foundation to fight fear and push towards faith
4. Mom and Dad meant their vows...better or for worse, in sickness and in health... Marry the person who you love unconditionally ... you never know who will go bald first :)

xoxo,
Jackie

Life gets "real"

So here is the thing... I wish everyday I could tell you I spend all day resting and peacefully waiting for time to pass but I don't.  Yesterday was one of those days that seriously just sucked. It started with throwing up all over my boots in the car when we arrived at the hospital.  I blamed it on motion sickness. The car ride was yucky and took forever. We had my appointment which only confirmed what we had already assumed. I'll have chemo- 8 rounds- strong stuff- its referred to as ACT for those friends of mine that like to google stuff- you know who you are.... and I LOVE you :) I will go every 2 weeks. At first I was told no port would be needed but the second part of the chemo regimen is even yuckier than than the first part and if it gets anywhere outside of my vein its bad business so the port is a necessity. Believe me I begged and pleaded but in the end my port is scheduled for November 12th along with my first day of chemo. I think that was when reality hit.

Im going to be very honest here. My doctor suggested I go see a psychologist who specializes in oncology and truthfully I agree with her. My tears have been many lately. Falling for all sorts of reasons. Not always fear, sometimes because I am in disbelief this is happening, sometimes because I am pissed, sometimes because I miss my kids so much it breaks my heart, sometimes because I can not believe how loved I am, sometimes because Im 34 and the thought of dying shouldn't be on my mind but the thoughts are there and they are are real and raw. No mother should ever have to face those thoughts. Breast cancer sucks! No matter who gets it it sucks.

Today I shared my scars and a picture of my new "breasts" with a new" cancer friend"in NewYork over email. Her treatment is different than mine so her chemo is first. Anyway, I sent her a picture and I think it eased her mind about what was to come just like she has eased mine about chemo. I have learned a lot in the last 7 weeks. When you are diagnosed you suddenly feel lost and alone. I looked at others and yearned for their "normal" life but the truth is we all have challenges. Right now cancer is mine.  I have learned that women no matter age or place in life when they have had breast cancer or are fighting it now like I am are all so kind and willing to share and help. You instantly have this bond that is indescribable. No matter how hard family and friends may try to understand how I feel I know they just can't. Only someone who has walked my path can feel closely to how I feel and I am ok with that.  I appreciate those that try to understand but even in the most elegant words in the world I could never express truly my hurt for what this has done to my family.

I have meet a friend who surprisingly lives near me and our surgeries were a day apart. We have instantly bonded and we chat daily. I know she has helped me. She is a young Mom and Im pretty sure our friendship will continue beyond "our cancer".  We talk about stuff and know that the other one isn't going to feel uncomfortable. Im not afraid to be crabby about cancer with her and her the same way. We seem to be able to comfort one another and give each other peep talks when we each need one.
She is my "barbie twin" :)

I've learned that love is beyond what you say. My husband has proven that over and over. I know this isn't easy for him. He does things no husband should have to do. We joke about it but the truth is it does suck. He "strips my tubes", feeds me when I couldn't use my arms, bathes me because I can not shower  until my drains are all out, helps me brush my teeth, dresses me, basically he did everything for me that I couldn't do myself and then some. That is love. He sleeps next to me.  Ive been sleeping in a recliner since I got home. I miss our bed. I miss our crowded, too many kids and people in our bed :) Our crowded bed is perfection in my mind...a slice of heaven and I can't wait to be back in it.

I appreciate my best friends. Their texts are uplifting, their messages about plans for our future are inspiring and I am so fortunate to have them in my life. All the women in my life have been amazing. How do you thank an "aunt" who stops her life and comes and cares for your children so you can rest and expects nothing in return. How do you thank your own Mother who would do anything for you ..except knowing that as a mother yourself you would do the same.  How do you tell your sister thank you making your daughters Halloween costume because physically you just couldn't do it? How do you thank your teenage niece who gives up her Saturday night to come watch movies with her aunt?   You don't. I have learned that you just humbly accept their gestures and know it is how they show they care and that they love me.  That is the thing I am surrounded with love. People who need me as much as I need them.  They are my reason to give everything I have in me to fighting this horrible disease and beyond that that I will LIVE and THRIVE! You all deserve the best of me.


I have contemplated doing a post of my surgery progress. I know people are curious but beyond that I never know who might read this blog at some point and if I can help one person than it is worth it. At some point I will but not yet. If you are reading this though and facing the tough choice please reach out to me I am open to sharing.  It's really not that scary. Yes, different but not awful. I feared looking in the mirror and crumbling but I didn't. I honestly was like "oh ok".

On a happier note I ordered my wig! Its gorgeous! Honestly! Probably the prettiest hair Ill ever have in my life. Its real hair. I can curl it, color it anything I want to do to it I can. I only have one favor to ask you all.....If it ever looks like its a little crooked help a sister out and straighten me out :)

All my love and continue to remember all of us in your prayers...we need them all!
Jackie