So things have been so quiet lately that there was nothing exciting to write about... I was just enjoying feeling good after my last chemo treatment and busy being in Mom mode. I also started getting all my photography stuff back in order and setting up my "studio space" aka : cleaning the basement. It honestly feels so good to do normal things: taking care of my babies, driving them to school, cooking dinner for my family, working out and just doing what I know other people view as daily mundane tasks ... all those things feel so good to me but like all good things they come to an end ..except my life has been running on two week increments. I explained it to Jeff as like knowing you are going to have the flu every two weeks and be down and out for 5 days. It gets so taxing both physically but even more so emotionally. I am considering myself fortunate though that from what my medical team tells me the worst of the medicine is now behind me.
This past Thursday I started a new medicine, Taxol. It was supposed to be the easier of the three medicines and by easier I mean no nausea. See here is the thing most people do not realize with chemo its not just losing your hair. Personally that has been the easy part for me. Its waking up one morning and noticing that your finger nails are turning black, and that the sore you thought was a canker sore is actually a mouth sore, the ache in your shin is actually from the shot that you inject yourself with to raise your white blood cell count so you don't end up with an infection and in the hospital. I don't write this stuff to get your pity but to open peoples eyes to how serious this chemo business is.
Anyhow, so at chemo this week I went thru the normal pre infusion blood work and physical exam all of which were normal. Jeff and I got settled in our chairs and chatting with my chemo lady friends. When my nurse came over to start my infusion after my dose of benadryl to help ward off any allergic reaction she warned me to let her know immediately of any breathing issues or pain in my back. She started the drip and it goes so slowly that I sat back and kept talking to my friend next to me. As we were talking I felt myself take a weird breath..it felt like a triple breath..like I was slightly gasping. My friend next to me asked if I was "ok" I said I wasn't sure and she reminded me to tell my nurse. I said I wanted to wait a few minutes but before I could finish that sentence I asked Jeff to go across the room to get my nurse. As he walked across the room my kidneys began to feel as if they were twisting and cramping. I called across the room to Jeff to hurry up and get her. Within seconds every nurse in the room was at my chair, pulling the privacy curtain closed, pulling my drip cords off of me and before I knew it my medical oncologist was at my chair along with her nurse checking my blood pressure and monitoring my heart rate. The pain was intense and I was gripping the chair so hard..it reminded me of back labor pains. They called for morphine from the pharmacy and brought heating pads to my back. Within 10 minutes the pain had subsided and everything had calmed down. Once things were calm my doctor called off the morphine. I was then told that I would be eligible for my doctor considers a better less toxic chemo medicine called Abraxane. Here is what is crazy the only way to qualify for a better less toxic chemo is to suffer from some sort of reaction, a reaction that could have been fatal. I am thanking God for being by my side yesterday. Before I left for chemo yesterday I grabbed my Dads dog tags and threw them in my pocket ..every once in awhile when I feel like I need a little extra courage I'll take them with me. Anyway, as my doctor was walking away she mentioned having reactions to certain things and I couldn't help but tell her about my allergic reaction to anything less than 3 karats in my ears :)
So guys I am finally coming to see light at the end of this long tunnel. March 5th will be a fabulous day. I have three treatments left and I can not wait to hear that final drip beep and have my family there with me as I walk out of that hospital knowing and praying that for the next 5 years every time I walk back into that building it is only for a healthy check up. I have learned so much about myself, my family, friends and love because of all of this. This week my mailbox was flooded with thoughtful gifts and my weekly card from my dear friend who was also my awesome roommate when I lived in Georgia. I also received a beautiful anchor necklace from another new friend and survivor as a reminder that God is my anchor through this journey. I received an awesome t-shirt from a childhood friend that I will be proudly wearing soon. I also received a package from a friend of my husbands from growing up that had 3 awesome wigs, a heated blanket, and an awesome shirt that I plan on wearing to one of my final chemos in honor of her beautiful Mom. All of these thoughtful gestures always leave me speechless and renew my strength in this battle that can be so wearing. So to all of you "thank you" thank you for loving me and praying for me.
xoxo,
Jackie
