More ......

A year can change a lot, right?  Well, let me tell you that 4 months can also rock your world like crazy too! Here is what I know for sure:

1. God has a crazy beautiful plan mapped out for me and my family... Let me be very clear with this... I do not hold God responsible for my bc but I do hold him responsible for pulling my family and I closer as we navigate this crazy path and for putting many signs in front of us that let us know we were heading in the right direction .

2. I officially found out yesterday that I only had 2 tumors in my left breast and not 3 which was originally suspected...funny what we consider good news as we move forward right?

3. I have never ever felt more in love with my husband as I do now... when I look at him I see a man who loves me unconditionally....

4. I know God is using my kiddos to show me love and let me know that Jeff and I have been doing a great job as parents.... They truly are our prized possessions.  They are wise beyond their years and full of good.  I look at them and know that I will forever have a rainbow among the storm.

5. I seriously have the 2 best friends in the world... without a question hands down. Again, to know one is right down the street..literally the same block and  she and her husband would do anything anytime to help our family and the other although she lives in a different state has dropped her life to come help me is more than I could ever ask for.  

6. That my family (extended family) rocks. I know they aren't sure what to do to help but their love and prayers are awesome.

7. The people I that have come into my life via.. breast cancer, our kids sporting teams, preschool parents etc.. have shown me that random acts of kindness can change a situation and that so many people are good.

8. I have learned that children rock! I know that sounds strange but I was afraid my bald head would literally scare some but the truth is most kids don't notice and the ones that do think I look like a superhero...So that kind of rocks too!

9. My Mom is amazing!!! enough said

10. That this too shall pass and when it does Ill be standing tall smiling thanking everyone who rallied along with me... and I'll probably be rocking a bad ass pixie cut cause Ill be so busy enjoying life I refuse to waste time.

So, as 2014 comes to a close I won't lie I am a tiny bit anxious to see it come to a close but thats only because I want March 5th to get here.   I have embraced the saying " don't let the tail wag the dog"...I refuse to give this cancer more power than it deserves.  We are making plans, finishing house projects and still living our life because truthfully through all of this it has been made clear that life is beautiful.. inspite of its small mishaps and imperfections. My Dad once told me when I faced a disappoint I would never know how good it felt to reach the top of the mountain and see the view if I had never been in the deepest valley..well friends believe me when I tell you the view from the top will be glorious..that "glorious unfolding".  So as you make your changes for the new year... try to love more, do more good, laugh more....

One more quick thing...My friend told me the other day that she thinks I am glowing in my pictures... I teased that it was the chemo but truthfully I know what she is talking about... that glow she is mentioning is actually  all the love and happiness I feel right now.... from all of you ....
xoxoxo,
Jackie

No hair..don't care...

So I knew it would happen at some point but I wasn't expecting it to happen this soon. Today we went to church and I wore my wig. It was fine a little itchy but nothing that I couldn't handle. After church we decided to do some grocery shopping as a family.... which is always a fabulous time with 3 kids (insert sarcasm). Anyway, I decided to take off my wig in the car cause my head was a little irritated..the impending hair loss is looming and I needed to scratch my head. So I put on this cute turban thing for grocery shopping. In the store my head was still annoying me so I removed the turban and went about my shopping. My kids don't really care about the hair either way so it was all good. Anyhow, I  told the boys we could pick something sweet to make so we headed to the baking aisle.  As we were standing there arguing about which sprinkles to top our sugar cookies with this man and women walk past and I hear him say " nice haircut" I turned my head and he is looking over his shoulder right at me. I think to myself you can't be talking to me ..oh no he was and he said it like such an a**hole that the look on my face must have told him exactly what was going through my head. I turned back around ignoring him only he didn't get the point and he continues talking " what? do you have cancer or something?" OMG! Dude stop eff'ing talking is all I can think. I turned around and said "yes, breast cancer." The lady with him turns around and looks at me with the dumbest look I have ever seen on her face. It took everything I had in me to not whip the baking mix box at both of them but I didn't. Instead I turned around and just stared at the shelf. The boys were still fighting about red, blue or yellow sprinkles..totally not noticing the two idiots that caused their Mom to stand there frozen in disbelief that that moment just happened....one moment that I will never forget.

 Here is the thing though I could have said a lot of other stuff and I wish I had but it wouldn't have been anything nice and truthfully those two don't deserve the emotional energy I would have exerted expressing myself towards them. What he  did realize was that  yes, I have cancer....but he doesn't know that cancer doesn't have me and I am fighting with everything I have to beat this and live my life not just survive but thrive after all this is done. I will never be the same, I am better than the old me. I used to think I was empathetic but now I know I truly am.  Also, your opinion of my "haircut" didn't bother me but your brazen careless words in front of my boys ravaged me with such a fierce anger but then I realized you sir will always be a moron. Im sure your days are filled with careless comments and you have no filter for your brain but its ok I am ok. Your words were just that words...thoughtless words. I sir am a fighter and women who is facing a terrible disease head on and proving to herself, her children and her loved ones that you are capable of digging deep ...super deep and finding parts of yourself that you didn't know existed when you are forced to. I will come out of this storm better than I entered...actually my entire family will.  So yes, I have no hair but you know what either does my husband and my two favorite little men because yes sir, I have cancer and cancer  blows..big time... but  what you do not know is how loved and lucky I am.  So instead of whipping the box of cookie mix at you I said a small prayer for you on my way home...Im not going to lie...my teeth were slightly gritted at the time but I did it because you are the least of my worries and although I was shocked by your words I wasn't hurt... far from it. So anyways back to more important things we decided on blue and yellow sprinkles..... and least no one has to worry about hair in the baking mix this year ........

Crossing things off the to do list

So this morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and the first thing I looked at was my hair...my crazy bed head hair. I decided before I started chemo that I would be in charge of when my hair left my head. It truly is one of the few things I have been allowed to be the final decision maker in. I looked at the calendar and decided that on 11/30 I would remove this hair from from my head. The thought of waking up to hair on my pillow, or watching it fall out in the shower or wearing hats to hide patches of hair that had fallen out was way too much for me. I truly realize that I could get about another week with my hair but the truth is the back of my head is already itchy and slightly tingly....all signs that the inevitable hair loss is looming in my near future. You know whats crazy? When we went to our "chemo class" they hand you a binder ( which I have every intent of burning this spring) but it lists some pretty serious side effects and possible long term complications from chemo.  As my nurse handed me a stack of prescriptions all I could think was "holy moly, I've never taken this many drugs in my life" but then came the one script that she said was the worst....the "cranial hair prothesis" lets just call it what it is a "wig". My insurance doesn't cover it anyway so the fancy names don't matter to me anyway. When she handed the wig prescription to me I thought "seriously, if losing my hair is the worst thing that could happen to me thru all of this bring it on". So now weeks later I sit here and I know that tomorrow surrounded by my family and my dearest friends I will shave my head in an attempt to have a little control over this its  a little weird but truthfully I do not view it as the worst thing that could happen to me through all of this. Maybe its cause I have never been in love with my hair. Those that know me well know my favorite haircut ever is from my girl in Las Vegas and I have every intent of growing my hair back out and taking a trip to let her work her magic once I have some hair again but again to say its the worst thing doesn't exactly cut it for me.  The worst thing ever was actually finding out and that I have breast cancer..that totally sucked.

Speaking of accepting the fact that I have/had cancer is something I'm pretty sure I have wrapped my head around. It took awhile and a lot of tears but I can honestly say I am there and truthfully it feels better to be accepting of the fact that its something that I am going thru as opposed to something that destroys me.  The emotional aspect did a serious doozy on me but looking back I am so glad I went thru it. I allowed myself to feel every one of those emotions....scared, pissed, sad, freaked out, disbelief etc... and some times I probably wallowed in those places for longer than what is considered a good amount of time but I just couldn't pull myself up and truthfully no one can do  it for you. I'm not exactly sure what changed maybe it was healing from the surgery and praying for peace and comfort to deal with all of this but something did change mentally for me.

Two weeks ago one of  my best friends  came to visit me from Colorado. When she walked in the door and I saw her I just couldn't let go of hugging her. What's crazy is she was here the day I had my biopsy and watched my kids. She knows me so well that she told me later that she knew I knew it was cancer from the look on my face when I walked back in the house .... crazy how our intuition kicks in. Anyway, she came to visit and go to some doctor appointments with me. It was so nice to have her here and the day she left was so hard. I have never told her that but I couldn't look out the window to wave goodbye....because between all the tears we also laughed and joked around about the crazy things we did when we were younger and she helped bring me back to a place or normalcy. She asked me one day when we were out for lunch if " cancer has taught me anything?" I honestly can not remember what I told her but I have been thinking about her question for awhile. I do know that I have realized with no amount of uncertainty how much I love my husband, my kids, my family and my dearest friends. I have learned who loves me as much as I love them and I know that I am not standing alone in this.  

Oh, on a side note I survived my first round of chemo. I was surprisingly calm and the entire infusion was pretty uneventful. My nurse was awesome, I got a private room ( only for first timers), I chewed on ice the entire time in hopes of preventing mouth sores ( so far so good ), and I walked around a little bit to stretch my legs and pass the time while my second medicine dripped in. I did get car sick on the way home and ended up with a banging headache but I think it was from the anesthesia that I had earlier that day for my port placement. I slept the bulk of the night on Monday and got a little sick but when Tuesday rolled around I was down for the count. I seriously slept the day away minus having to get up to give myself a shot that helps stimulate the production of white blood cells.  I was pretty happy I slept the day away it made time pass and I didn't have to sit there thinking about how awful I felt. It was seriously like a terrible hangover mixed with pregnancy exhaustion. I explained it to  my mom that way except that I didn't have any funny stories to laugh about in the morning and eating a hamburger to cure it was the last thing from my mind. Regardless, I am thanking God  that this chemo treatment was relatively uneventful and I only have 7 more left. March 5th will be before I know it and Ill be celebrating my 35th birthday :) maybe in Maui. My Mom was supposed to be in Hawaii around the time I had my mastectomy but her and my Aunt cancelled their travel plans to be here to help us so now WE are talking about taking a trip there once this is all over.  I can only imagine digging my feet in the sand and smelling the fresh ocean breeze is just what the doctor ordered to start a new chapter in life which I refer to as AC ( after cancer).

So tonight I brushed my hair one last time and looked in the mirror knowing that tomorrow will be a defining moment for me as I cross things off my cancer to do list.   Knowing that my family and dear friends will be there with me as emotional support and a reminder that someday soon this will be behind me is so comforting. I would be lying if I told you  I haven't thought much about having a bald head because I have. Its kind of like wearing a huge neon sign that screams " I have cancer" but it is the truth for right now but this will not always be the case. I worry about how my kids will react... I can only imagine it's awfully confusing for them. I have tried my best to explain things to them and I truly think they get it as much as they can for their age. Hudson told me he thinks I am beautiful with or without hair and Gavin giggles when I told him that he and Hudson get to shave my head.  Here is the thing I look at our children and I know that what is happening now will be something that they may not even remember and if they do it will play in their memories like a broken slide show allowing Jeff and I to fill in the missing chapters so in a way we get to write this story for them.   If I can pick what they take with them growing up from this is that:
1. They are so loved
2. When you face something that scares the crap out of you sometimes its ok to close your eyes and just charge through....
3. Mom was scared out of her mind but her belief in God was a solid foundation to fight fear and push towards faith
4. Mom and Dad meant their vows...better or for worse, in sickness and in health... Marry the person who you love unconditionally ... you never know who will go bald first :)

xoxo,
Jackie

Life gets "real"

So here is the thing... I wish everyday I could tell you I spend all day resting and peacefully waiting for time to pass but I don't.  Yesterday was one of those days that seriously just sucked. It started with throwing up all over my boots in the car when we arrived at the hospital.  I blamed it on motion sickness. The car ride was yucky and took forever. We had my appointment which only confirmed what we had already assumed. I'll have chemo- 8 rounds- strong stuff- its referred to as ACT for those friends of mine that like to google stuff- you know who you are.... and I LOVE you :) I will go every 2 weeks. At first I was told no port would be needed but the second part of the chemo regimen is even yuckier than than the first part and if it gets anywhere outside of my vein its bad business so the port is a necessity. Believe me I begged and pleaded but in the end my port is scheduled for November 12th along with my first day of chemo. I think that was when reality hit.

Im going to be very honest here. My doctor suggested I go see a psychologist who specializes in oncology and truthfully I agree with her. My tears have been many lately. Falling for all sorts of reasons. Not always fear, sometimes because I am in disbelief this is happening, sometimes because I am pissed, sometimes because I miss my kids so much it breaks my heart, sometimes because I can not believe how loved I am, sometimes because Im 34 and the thought of dying shouldn't be on my mind but the thoughts are there and they are are real and raw. No mother should ever have to face those thoughts. Breast cancer sucks! No matter who gets it it sucks.

Today I shared my scars and a picture of my new "breasts" with a new" cancer friend"in NewYork over email. Her treatment is different than mine so her chemo is first. Anyway, I sent her a picture and I think it eased her mind about what was to come just like she has eased mine about chemo. I have learned a lot in the last 7 weeks. When you are diagnosed you suddenly feel lost and alone. I looked at others and yearned for their "normal" life but the truth is we all have challenges. Right now cancer is mine.  I have learned that women no matter age or place in life when they have had breast cancer or are fighting it now like I am are all so kind and willing to share and help. You instantly have this bond that is indescribable. No matter how hard family and friends may try to understand how I feel I know they just can't. Only someone who has walked my path can feel closely to how I feel and I am ok with that.  I appreciate those that try to understand but even in the most elegant words in the world I could never express truly my hurt for what this has done to my family.

I have meet a friend who surprisingly lives near me and our surgeries were a day apart. We have instantly bonded and we chat daily. I know she has helped me. She is a young Mom and Im pretty sure our friendship will continue beyond "our cancer".  We talk about stuff and know that the other one isn't going to feel uncomfortable. Im not afraid to be crabby about cancer with her and her the same way. We seem to be able to comfort one another and give each other peep talks when we each need one.
She is my "barbie twin" :)

I've learned that love is beyond what you say. My husband has proven that over and over. I know this isn't easy for him. He does things no husband should have to do. We joke about it but the truth is it does suck. He "strips my tubes", feeds me when I couldn't use my arms, bathes me because I can not shower  until my drains are all out, helps me brush my teeth, dresses me, basically he did everything for me that I couldn't do myself and then some. That is love. He sleeps next to me.  Ive been sleeping in a recliner since I got home. I miss our bed. I miss our crowded, too many kids and people in our bed :) Our crowded bed is perfection in my mind...a slice of heaven and I can't wait to be back in it.

I appreciate my best friends. Their texts are uplifting, their messages about plans for our future are inspiring and I am so fortunate to have them in my life. All the women in my life have been amazing. How do you thank an "aunt" who stops her life and comes and cares for your children so you can rest and expects nothing in return. How do you thank your own Mother who would do anything for you ..except knowing that as a mother yourself you would do the same.  How do you tell your sister thank you making your daughters Halloween costume because physically you just couldn't do it? How do you thank your teenage niece who gives up her Saturday night to come watch movies with her aunt?   You don't. I have learned that you just humbly accept their gestures and know it is how they show they care and that they love me.  That is the thing I am surrounded with love. People who need me as much as I need them.  They are my reason to give everything I have in me to fighting this horrible disease and beyond that that I will LIVE and THRIVE! You all deserve the best of me.


I have contemplated doing a post of my surgery progress. I know people are curious but beyond that I never know who might read this blog at some point and if I can help one person than it is worth it. At some point I will but not yet. If you are reading this though and facing the tough choice please reach out to me I am open to sharing.  It's really not that scary. Yes, different but not awful. I feared looking in the mirror and crumbling but I didn't. I honestly was like "oh ok".

On a happier note I ordered my wig! Its gorgeous! Honestly! Probably the prettiest hair Ill ever have in my life. Its real hair. I can curl it, color it anything I want to do to it I can. I only have one favor to ask you all.....If it ever looks like its a little crooked help a sister out and straighten me out :)

All my love and continue to remember all of us in your prayers...we need them all!
Jackie

And then they were gone...

So after so much anticipation the surgery date finally arrived. No eating after midnight so I carb loaded the night before and watched the clock like crazy. At 11 pm I got up and snacked on that awesome cobbler I made the day before because that would for sure hold me over till I could eat again. That morning we got up and I decided against makeup while getting ready I had a feeling mascara wouldn't last long.  It was kind of weird getting dressed. I knew it was my last time wearing a bra. Last times are weird events.  I stood and looked in the mirror a little bit and  took it all in. I knew moving forward my body would never be the "same". When you have a gall bladder removed or something else maybe you go through the same thing I have no clue. All I know is how I felt and truthfully the last few seconds all I thought was "ok, its time for you to go".

The drive to the hospital was quiet. I get quiet when I'm nervous. I like the music loud and no ones mouths moving :) So I held Jeff's hand and my Mom sat in the back and would rub my shoulder as I stared out the window. Reality was quickly sinking in. I wiped tear after tear as they fell. I don't know why I cried so hard. Maybe fear, maybe anxiety, maybe hormones or maybe just because but regardless I did. Once we rounded the freeway my song came on the radio and I stopped crying. I just knew it would be ok. I stopped crying and got it together.

We parked and checked in. It went fast from there. They brought me back and quickly I realized this was going to go fast. The two nicest guys came in and injected me with a radioactive solution for my sentinel node biopsy. My Mom and Jeff came back and joined me and we joked and talked. We prayed together and I cried again. Man those damn tears just couldn't stop but I felt so much better after we prayed together.

The surgery team came  in talked a lot and I heard a lot of nothing except my "boobs" weren't there yet. That's why the surgery was slightly delayed. They were on a truck coming from Naperville and I don't know why but I found it funny. It could have been because right before that the nurse injected me with what could be considered the best thing in the entire world. I couldn't stop giggling. She told me she had more where that came from and again I just giggled.  They gave me a little more cause the truck still had not arrived and I was "sobering" up. Once the truck was there that was it. It was go time. I kissed and hugged my Mom and Jeff said  good bye and they literally wheeled me away.

We entered the surgery room. There were HUGE lights on the ceiling. The surgeon asked me if I was ready and I told her "absolutely, lets do this and don't forget to take my nipples". I moved over to the surgery table they laid my arms out to each side and the nicest Anesthesiologist came over. He was the cutest little older man I had ever seen and his smile was so kind. I asked him how long until I was asleep he said "soon".  Soon was an understatement. 6 hours later my surgery was complete. I remember waking up in a huge room and no one was around me. I saw this guy and was like " hey sir"  He's like " me"? I'm like " yes, you who else would I be talking to". Quickly another super cool dude with awesome dreadlocks was at my side. Apparently, I took awhile to wake up so my Mom and Jeff couldn't come back but within minutes my new buddy and I were rolling. I quickly informed him I had breast cancer and  had my breasts removed along with my nipples. For some reason it made me laugh and I think I had him nervously laughing too. As we excited the elevator to head to my room the hallway was super long and I could see my Mom, Jeff and my brother standing outside of my room waiting. Now imagine this.. its the first time they have seen me in over 8 hours and the first thing they hear me yelling, not saying, but yelling down the hallway is " guess who has no nipples?" " This girl right here". Cracking up and my dread lock buddy pushing my bed just giggling. I guess everyone responds different to anesthesia apparently I find myself hysterical. As they wheeled me into my room the nurses all started coming in checking on me and asking tons of questions. My Mom fed me an Italian ice and during that I started telling everyone who was coming in and out of the room that I would be having a dance party at midnight. I told everyone" to watch out because I would be twerking but having no nipples would slow me down".  My family just laughed and the nurses just laughed.

The next day my surgeon came in and said "well, I have heard from all of my staff we have never had a patient like you".  I accepted it only as a compliment :) So as we move forward we pray the cancer is gone but the next steps will be disclosed tomorrow. Chemo is on my planner for 2014 and early spring of 2015 but as my BF tells me " close your eyes, put your head down and plow through". Life will go on after cancer and when it does I swear I will be dancing and skipping everywhere just because I will be so happy to know I am alive. Below are a few verses of one of my favorite songs.....


‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

Out with the old ..

So with so much racing through my head I thought I would write about where we are at right now. My double mastectomy is scheduled for October the 14th. I decided that when I started writing this blog it would be a way for me to put it all out there instead of holding it inside and causing myself more anxiety. So here is the thing....Im going to be very honest with everything that I possibly can. Breast cancer is not as common as a cold which someone recently said to me..and by the way when is the last time your case of sniffles resulted in removal of your breasts? Just curious :)

Someone asked "which part makes you nervous"..um... the entire thing makes me nervous. The medication, the pain, the drains, the recovery..all of it. I honestly believe I will be fine but it is a long surgery. I am starting the reconstruction process at the same time so that adds double the amount of time to the entire process. They are also doing a sentinel node biopsy during surgery so that adds time. I am praying that the nodes are clear and we can move forward without removal of 7-10 additional nodes and all the possible complications that arise from that.

I am especially nervous for my husband, Jeff and my Mom. They will be pacing the waiting room while I am sleeping. Ugh! I can only imagine the nerves and bathroom breaks that will be taking place while they wait. I told Jeff my first question is going to be about my nodes. "Did they have to take additional"? That question is so important. It's another factor that goes into my final staging for my final pathology which in turns effects my final treatment. So if you pray besides everything else I have been asking you to pray for pray for clear nodes :)

I have only recently allowed myself to begin thinking and processing what will actually be taking place because up until a few days ago this whole thing felt like a really vivid nightmare. I still occasionally pinch myself and go " nope this shit is real..damn..." Anyhow, knowing that my breasts are going to be removed is serious business. My cancer is aggressive and so I have to be aggressive back. I was told lumpectomy could be an option but see here is the thing. I was told I am going to have a long life ahead of me and if I opt for a lumpectomy every year my risk for reoccurrence increases. So my doctor said take that risk and multiple it across how ever many years you want to live to ...the percentage number is big because I am young.

So I am at peace with my decision for those reasons but it is the raw reality of what is actually happening. I nursed my babies. I was beyond my breasts defining me and truthfully they never did. I think I am more processing the fact that everything inside those breasts are being removed. I know it sounds weird right because essentially it is what is inside the breasts that is causing me to remove them but you have to hear me out on this. Inside my body created food that allowed me to nourish my children and its not just the nourishment it was the bonding. So many of my favorite baby memories of them are when they would nurse and fall asleep and their sweet faces would fall back with a little milk dripping down and they would be "milk drunk". Or when in the middle of a crying fit a nursing session could calm them down to literally a sleeping baby.  So for me its not so much about the actual "breast" as much as the function of it. The thing is though I am constantly reminding myself that I am trading that for years of life. My nursing years are behind me but they are some of my sweetest memories. So now I will trade those breasts for "new" breasts. Non cancer containing breasts or as a new friend told me the other day " Barbie Boobs".   Get it ? Barbie has no nipples..... If I don't laugh I'll cry so go ahead ... giggle... its a little bit funny :)

So here is the thing...hearing you have breast cancer at 34 is super surreal but reading that you have breast cancer online because no one called you to share your results with you is even worse.  That is what happened to me. If you really want Ill back up to the beginning. I nursed all three of our beautiful babies and with each baby I always had changes in my breasts so truthfully I just assumed that the lump I felt after I was done nursing our beautiful daughter was just that, a weird leftover nursing lump. Well months passed and that lump was always in the back of my mind. It literally felt like a milk dud and it would move around as well. After too many months I finally decided to go see my doctor. I called and made the appointment. I remember standing in the driveway watching the kids on their bikes and as the words came out of my mouth I had this sick feeling that this wasn't just a "lump". I made the appointment and the next day I called back and talked to my doctor. I told him I couldn't wait and I needed to be seen earlier. I saw him that Saturday. After the exam he said he thought it was a fibroidenoma but he did not mess around with things in breasts and just to be safe I should go for an ultrasound and a mammogram.

I followed his orders and the next week went to my appointment. I could not stop crying. I knew my results before anyone told me. After the exams I was taken into a small conference room with the doctor and the nurse. They asked if I wanted them to get my husband. I said "no". Whatever this was I needed to process before  I could share the news with anyone else. They proceeded to tell me that the lump was questionable and they strongly suggested I proceed with a biopsy. Afterwards they brought Jeff in and kept reminded us that most breast issues are not cancer and because of my age and not a strong family history it was all precautionary. I knew it was BS. I took my order for the biopsy and left.

They said the wait was 2 weeks... are  they crazy?  You don't tell a women there is a questionable solid mass in her breast and then tell her to go about her regular life for 2 weeks. Apparently they have never been on the receiving end of that message. Your world is turned upside down and you become paralyzed. By the grace of God a friend was able to get me an appointment at a different hospital for the same week. The biopsy itself was simple the waiting was what was painful.
When we left the hospital I was given a brochure that said all test results would be available online. I held on to that brochure like it was gold. Days passed by but they felt like years. Finally the results came thru and Ill never forget reading those words " invasive metaplastic carcinoma with spindle cell".

Here is the thing though I was prepared. I just knew so instead of freaking out and crying I reached for the phone and immediately called the surgeon who had come highly recommended. Saying those words on the phone was surreal and truthfully it still is but Ill talk more about that later. Anyhow, I called my Mom and sister, texted my best friends and then paced the house. Jeff was quiet and allowed me to just be. I am blessed to have a husband who knows me well enough to give me space to process. Within minutes my best friend was at our house. Ill never forget the look on her face it was like we both didn't have to say a word. We sat in my daughters room and watched her dance. I think both to stunned to speak. I cried and in the background I could hear the phone ringing. I knew what the calls were...it was love and concern pouring in from our loved ones.

My sister stopped over and I knew what she was thinking " seriously, my little sister?" We hugged and cried a lot. My Mom came over and we did the same lots of crying lots of hugging. I continued to look around our house. Our beautiful kids did not deserve this, my husband didn't deserve this, my Mom, my poor Mom, she did not deserve this. I did not deserve this but the thing is I decided that this would not be my ending. I refuse to die from cancer. My family deserves better than that.