Out with the old ..

So with so much racing through my head I thought I would write about where we are at right now. My double mastectomy is scheduled for October the 14th. I decided that when I started writing this blog it would be a way for me to put it all out there instead of holding it inside and causing myself more anxiety. So here is the thing....Im going to be very honest with everything that I possibly can. Breast cancer is not as common as a cold which someone recently said to me..and by the way when is the last time your case of sniffles resulted in removal of your breasts? Just curious :)

Someone asked "which part makes you nervous"..um... the entire thing makes me nervous. The medication, the pain, the drains, the recovery..all of it. I honestly believe I will be fine but it is a long surgery. I am starting the reconstruction process at the same time so that adds double the amount of time to the entire process. They are also doing a sentinel node biopsy during surgery so that adds time. I am praying that the nodes are clear and we can move forward without removal of 7-10 additional nodes and all the possible complications that arise from that.

I am especially nervous for my husband, Jeff and my Mom. They will be pacing the waiting room while I am sleeping. Ugh! I can only imagine the nerves and bathroom breaks that will be taking place while they wait. I told Jeff my first question is going to be about my nodes. "Did they have to take additional"? That question is so important. It's another factor that goes into my final staging for my final pathology which in turns effects my final treatment. So if you pray besides everything else I have been asking you to pray for pray for clear nodes :)

I have only recently allowed myself to begin thinking and processing what will actually be taking place because up until a few days ago this whole thing felt like a really vivid nightmare. I still occasionally pinch myself and go " nope this shit is real..damn..." Anyhow, knowing that my breasts are going to be removed is serious business. My cancer is aggressive and so I have to be aggressive back. I was told lumpectomy could be an option but see here is the thing. I was told I am going to have a long life ahead of me and if I opt for a lumpectomy every year my risk for reoccurrence increases. So my doctor said take that risk and multiple it across how ever many years you want to live to ...the percentage number is big because I am young.

So I am at peace with my decision for those reasons but it is the raw reality of what is actually happening. I nursed my babies. I was beyond my breasts defining me and truthfully they never did. I think I am more processing the fact that everything inside those breasts are being removed. I know it sounds weird right because essentially it is what is inside the breasts that is causing me to remove them but you have to hear me out on this. Inside my body created food that allowed me to nourish my children and its not just the nourishment it was the bonding. So many of my favorite baby memories of them are when they would nurse and fall asleep and their sweet faces would fall back with a little milk dripping down and they would be "milk drunk". Or when in the middle of a crying fit a nursing session could calm them down to literally a sleeping baby.  So for me its not so much about the actual "breast" as much as the function of it. The thing is though I am constantly reminding myself that I am trading that for years of life. My nursing years are behind me but they are some of my sweetest memories. So now I will trade those breasts for "new" breasts. Non cancer containing breasts or as a new friend told me the other day " Barbie Boobs".   Get it ? Barbie has no nipples..... If I don't laugh I'll cry so go ahead ... giggle... its a little bit funny :)